Hey Curlfriends! Lately, I have been harboring many thoughts and I wanted to keep it hair related, however, this won’t be that kind of blog.
Insecurity and self awareness tends to be the main theme of my blog, mainly because these feelings are relevant. They are real and valid despite what you may see on social media. I used to be the girl that tried to be the “dream girl”. My hair had to be bone straight. I had to wear the right outfit. I had to make sure that I fit the mold of perfection. I spent most of my youth chasing this perfection.
I took notes from my guy friends about what they look for in women, and try to emulate that. I needed to be that woman. I didn’t realize this would become a full time job. They were truly critical of women, which develop deep rooted insecurities in me. “I like my women to be light skinned.” So I stayed stocked up on SPF and get skin lighteners to be “that girl.” Obviously, it didn’t work. Every light skinned girl that walked by I would get that deep twinge in my stomach that he will soon lust after her.
“I like girls with long hair.”I became vain and spent more time in the mirror. I would obsess over my looks.
“You would be my type if you weren’t into social media.” So I laid off the social media, while I watched him scavenge through Instagram liking every booty picture that came up on his feed. “Why can’t you be more modest, I like my girls to be low key.” All then, I was building my brand, trying to stand out. I tried to walk the walk, tried to be eye candy and soul candy. On the inside, I felt it would be any minute now I’d be his girl. On the outside, I must have looked like a bimbo. I even started to dumb myself down by training myself in mall speak.
I had to be ghetto, so I had to learn how to curse. I needed a whole new persona for validation. No matter what I did, I wasn’t good enough. i wasn’t submissive enough. “Nobody wants to wife you.” “You are too popular, I can’t date you.” WTH does that even mean? Then the blow below the belt, “I’m tired of black girls I want to date outside of my race, black girls are too problematic.”
I’ve come to realize that people don’t know what they want. They are just as confused and insecure and they tend to not be as articulate about their feelings and I get it. Men do need to realize, as they place these high demands and impossible expectancies on women as they play the field, the pressure only makes women strong enough to one day walk away.
I realized “that girl” was stealing my identity. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I have always been defined by the guy I was with, but I’ve found, I can’t let another person dictate who I am. I was a fraud. I oppressed my true self for men who did not see a future in me. I was living life without a purpose. Any day, my “dream” guy would walk out that door for no reason at all, and I am left blank with no identity.
After being single for 3 years, I’ve been able to get to know myself. I’ve discovered a power in myself that my boyfriends in the past was scared for me to find. They dimmed my shine and stole my authenticity because I didn’t hold loyalty to myself.
Those who I let have easy access to my life, used my resources and made me haggard and somewhat jaded. I wouldn’t charge it to the love game. I’ll charge it to the “you should know better by now” game. I wouldn’t dare blame it on anyone else. I was holding myself captive to my low-self esteem. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be the people pleaser. I finally woke up and to the harsh fact that you can’t please people by being a chameleon.
Now I do what feels right. Despite of what any person would say. I will be unapologetically me and the true me will attract the perfect match.
I challenge all of my Curlfriends, male or female, to do some soul searching. Do something that is unapologetically you. Whether it’s a big chop or cutting loose ends of a limbo relationship held by obligation and guilt.
Moral of the story: People will always tell you who you should be. If you haven’t defined yourself, you will begin to believe them as well. And act accordingly.
Remember to Dream Big. Take Chances. And never stop learning.
We Are CurlyBae.