Have you ever been so knee deep in “caca” and for the life of you could not recall how you got there? Even deeper question. Does it seem as though drama attracts itself to you without even trying?
I am sure we have all been there. As much as we like to encourage everyone to be positive, there are times when you may seem like a Bitter Becky due to circumstances.
At one point of my life, I felt as though my world was in shambles All attempts to moving forward into a happily ever after had been brutally halted with traction. Here’s my story….
I was in a toxic relationship where the pros and cons were about equal. From the outside looking in, the answer was obvious to leave. i was blindsided with what I thought was love. I did not realize that this “love” was deteriorating me from the outside in. LITERALLY. The negativity from simple things that irritated me carried itself over into other relationships as well. For example, at my job. My boss was usually understanding, yet he got tired of the attitude I unknowingly brought with me every morning.
I would be stressed at work wondering if I could trust him, and what he was up to. I would cry so much that I would get knots in my stomach and throw up. I had weird headaches that tingled from one side of my face to my back. Little things. Little Lies. Little Break Ups.
They all pointed to the obvious. I never trusted anything he said due to past circumstances. He stole from me, lied to and on me, and virtually and emotionally sabotaged me. I even ruined my permanent record!
I endured such poor conditions for so long that it all seemed normal. It seemed so normal to be screaming at the top of my lungs every day. Or playing detective. Or hating all of his friends. It seemed normal to be yelled at if I said hello to an old friend of the opposite sex. And it damn sure felt normal to get a headache when it was time to go home from work. I physically was drained from stress. I did not care about how I dressed and my eyes sunk deep into my skull. And my hair? Forget about it.
I wanted to make it work so bad. I did not realize I was a split hair from being fired from work. I did not realize all the friends I had lost in the three years. No one wanted contact with me. I just realized that he started getting new friends that he would not introduce me to. He kept changing the codes on his phone and laptop. I was no longer his screensaver on anything. And he would be up texting at 6 a.m. claiming it was some guy.
Now after everything I had been through with him. Cheating would have not even been the worst thing he could have done to me. It would actually have made sense. I wanted to save us, but he belittled me in a way that I could not grasp my mind around. I could not even ask what his plans were for the day without being yelled at, and being called insecure. I started to think he was right. I made excuses for his behavior.
He would stay out until 6 in the morning and then ask me to pick him up. He had all of his friends and associates believe that there was something wrong with me. When I would confront him, he would tell me, “You create your own self-esteem and your own happiness, it is not my job to keep you happy.” (got it from a meme)
In my attempt to save the relationship for the last time, I decided to take him on a trip to Miami (which he had never been) for his birthday. This trip was strictly to show him that I believed in his dream and I wanted him to win. He signed up for a contest where celebrities would choose the best rapper. I got hoodies made for him supporting his latest single. I rented a luxury car. I also bought tickets to the Miami Heat’s game. Overall, for the trip I spent well over $1.200.
He was excited but he never gave me credit. I happened to stumble on his Facebook page and he gave me no credit. He “posed” as if he went to Miami by himself. He posed on the car, knowing he did not even have a valid license to drive a car. I was hurt.
It was time for him to perform in front of the celebrities. As I followed him, they clothed line the crap out of me. So I signed a waiver and decided to sign up for the competition as well. It was Round One. There were 5 separate stages. I looked for him everywhere, but I could not see. They handed me the microphone, and I all but passed out! I remembered some lyrics that I had written and let the words flow from my mouth. I remember seeing the other contestants drop their mics as I finished.
I turned around to put my microphone down, and everyone was looking at me! I walked outside pretending not to be nervous but that didn’t work because I tripped over a cord.
I walked outside and my boyfriend was waiting on me. He did not realize that I had signed up. As we walked back to the car, one of the producers yelled at us saying to come back. I said “Go BAE GO!”
Unfortunately, he curved him and told me to come back. I was interviewed and called back for another audition. That night we got in a huge fight and he left me alone while he went to the clubs without me. He is celebrating his birthday without ME???
I cried myself to sleep and it threw me off my game. I was ignored the rest of the trip. When we came back, I had not heard from him for a whole week. I begged and begged for him to be with me and he said no. Soon enough, I realized why.
Apparently, he met new girls that enabled his childish behavior, and all of a sudden I was not good enough. It took months of tears but when I was ready to move on there was no stopping me.
I started dating guys that had the mindset I needed. My stress was relieved and even my boss began to notice. I got new friends, that were supportive. I realized if I stayed in the same space I was in with him, I would have never been able to achieve so many accomplishments. The best accomplishment was the strength of the relationship between me and my family. I never realized but I pushed them away for so long, they were accustomed to not speaking to me for months.
There were times that I would think about him. And there were times he had tried to come back as well. After getting a taste of happiness after climbing out of turmoil, there was no way I was going back. All I had to do was let go.
Here is what I have learned from my toxic relationship:
- Recognize signs of manipulation and deceit from early and nip it in the bud. It could be as little as eating the last ice cream sandwich, but transparency and respect are key foundations to a healthy relationship.
- Notice their interactions with others on social media and in person. If they seem confrontational or irrational, those are RED FLAGS. BEWARE.
- Speak your mind. Being the other half, at times we do get scared if we defend ourselves that they may call us stupid or they may leave. Don’t be scared of the consequences. If you are worried of the outcome, there is no point in staying.
- Make sure that your values and morals coincide. That is as straight forward as it will get. If your partner does pretty shady things to other people, you are not excluded, even if you help them. It will be your turn one day.
- Do not be scared to leave! Ever! You never know if that last argument could be your last breath.
- If they are not adding to your happiness, they are taking away from your beauty.
I know this is pretty deep but it should be addressed. I have suffered from a toxic relationship that closed a lot of doors and lowered my self-esteem. I spent a year rebuilding myself, and here I am CURLYBAE. I have a lot to learn, but I am happy to be able to say I survived and I got through it. I know that it is possible.
Now that I got that out of the way. Next week begins my mini series. See you there!